The Damage Cannot be Irreparable
by Settees-under-siege
Summary: One shot for 4.4. Robert's discussion with Bates leads him to consider a few important times in his own life and marriage and what he has learned from them.


Robert sat on his dressing room bed after dismissing Bates, his mind close to overflowing with thoughts and emotions. He had seen the pain in his valet's eyes and felt it in his words and he sincerely hoped that what had flowed off his own tongue would act as a source of hope for his old comrade. Not all wars took place on a battlefield in another country. Some penetrated the very door to your heart and if you do not face them then, there was very little hope left to cling to. Robert knew this very well. He had experienced a sheltered childhood of privilege, groomed for the singular purpose of taking over the estate with his future wife and what had been assumed, their sons as well as daughters. But sons they did not have.

The first war came knocking in the first few months of their marriage. The war of uncertainty. Robert may have been groomed to run the estate but he felt like a bumbling buffoon when it came to marriage. He could see the look of adoration painted on his wife's face whenever he entered a room but he also sensed her insecurity which stemmed from knowing that he did not feel the same. And now, over thirty years later, he still couldn't forgive himself for that turbulent time in their marriage. He knew in hindsight he had been in love with her for a lot longer than he initially thought but he had been blind to it and a part of him had always been trying to make up for it ever since.

Then there was the war of tribulation. _It was just as well I finally realized my feeling for her,_ Robert thought to himself as he stared at the wall ahead. _For if I hadn't, that war could have been much worse. _Month's had passed and still no pregnancy to show for and it wasn't for the lack of trying. He had spent a lot of that time fighting to keep his sharp-tongued mother off Cora's back and when they finally did conceive, she ceased her nearly relentless stream of comments, for a while. But when they only had daughters, it had pushed them to their limit. Robert had tried to diffuse the situation despite his mother shooting barbs with monotonous regularity. He had tried to convince Cora that it didn't matter because his cousin would simply be the air instead. But when she had confessed her deepest desire to give him a son for no other reason than to please him, not because of the necessity for producing and heir, it had nearly broken them both.

No sooner had they emerged from that war licking their wounds, the Second Boar War had started and Robert had been called to fight. And not just fight, but to lead men. He had naturally been an obvious choice given his position but nothing had prepared him for the desperate struggle to survive whilst also trying to inspire his battalion to continue to push forwards. And on top of that, helping to create strategies that he hoped, would keep the loss of life to a minimum. Because while he missed his Cora and their three little ladies with all his heart, he had never lost sight of the reality that all the other men and their families were in the same boat and some of them would not be sailing back in to the arms of their loved ones. He and Bates had both been lucky in this. All his scars from that war were mental and Bates carried his knee injury but they had both survived and known happiness again.

Or so he thought at the time. Only a few weeks before the end of the war, he received a telegram saying that his beloved father had passed away. That had hit him like a white hot poker to the stomach. The pain that he had endured, thousands of miles away from his family no less, had nearly broken his spirit. Only the thought of Cora and the girls' had stopped him from getting himself shot from grief. At least they had been able to hold the funeral until his return a month later. It was one of the most distressing periods of his life. Robert shut his eyes, able to dwell on that memory any longer. Breathing deeply, he slowly peeled them open again.

For the next decade or so, he had found himself sailing on calmer seas. He had settled into his life as the earl, his marriage to Cora had matured, they were more happy and in love than ever and they had taken great joy in watching their daughters grow up. It had been a prosperous start to the twentieth century. But as with most things in life, it wouldn't stay that way. He had never thought they would face the miscarriage of a son, had never thought there would be another war, one that he couldn't even do his duty in this time, had never thought his marriage would be close to total destruction – twice, and he never thought he would have to bury one of his daughters and the man he had come to call his son. And he was by no means the only one to experience it so heavily because his sweet, darling wife had borne the full brunt of it all. She had experienced even worse hell than he had, things he couldn't imagine facing and carrying for the rest of his life. He was in awe of his wife. Of her quiet, yet determined strength and perseverance. And he shuddered to think how many lines were now on her beautiful face because he had etched them there. She was the most extraordinary woman he had ever met and he knew that over the past few years, he had shown his appreciation for her very poorly. They had come through the furnace of hell together, the flames burning emotional scars onto them. But the damage had not been irreparable. It had made them stronger and brought them closer together, closer than they ever had been in Robert's opinion, despite the constant trials still hammering at them in an ever changing world.

Sighing, he stood up and looked at himself in the mirror. A solemn-faced man with grey hair, blue eyes, forehead creases and slumped shoulders stared at him out of the reflection. It wasn't very often that he allowed himself to delve so deep within because the pain that was to be found there made all the scars raw again. But Robert also knew that he could harness that. Learning of the conflict between Bates and Anna tonight had given him a timely reminder of his silent promise to himself, a promise to appreciate his wife more and one that he didn't always keep. His birthday was coming up in a few weeks and he knew that as always, she would seek to make it extra special for him and he loved her so much for that. Perhaps that would be the perfect opportunity to shower her with his gratitude for her in return and turn the day into a day to celebrate them, not just himself. The man in the mirror smiled at him. But he didn't intend to wait until then, he wanted to start right now. Turning, he made his way over to the door that divided his room from Cora's bedroom and opened it to find her sitting in their bed, propped up against her pillows with a book in hand.

"I was beginning to think you weren't coming," Cora teased as she watched him close the door behind him.

"I do apologize my dear but I confess I was a little detained," he replied earnestly as he gave the cord on his robes a tug.

"Oh yes?" she prompted curiously. "But I heard Bates leave a few minutes ago."

"He did, I was just thinking about a few things that's all."

"Such as?" Robert smiled tenderly at her.

"Would you like to go out for lunch in Ripon tomorrow?" he asked. "I know that Tom will be busy, Edith will still be in London and I daresay Mary will be entertaining Lord Gillingham."

"I would like that very much darling. It's been a while since we did something like that," she said happily and patted the mattress beside her as he draped his dressing gown over the arm of the settee at the foot of the bed. Robert cheerfully took up her invitation and clambered under the covers beside her, taking her hand in his and bringing it to his lips, tasting her skin. Cora blushed. "My, what's come over you Robert?" she wondered, pleased at his attentions.

"Am I not allowed to show my loving bride some affection?" he pouted, lowering their joined hands to rest between them.

"I haven't been your bride for quite some time darling," she said in amusement.

"Really? I haven't noticed for you are more gorgeous now than what you were back then." His eyes locked with hers and Cora could now see they were several shades darker with desire.

"What are you thinking?" she whispered in her most sultry, velvety voice though she already knew the answer. Robert grinned mischievously and shuffled closer to her. He slipped his arms around her and drew her close, his lips light against her ear.

"That words would be put to better use as actions."

As Robert set about showing his wife how much he loved her, a small thought cropped up in the back of his mind. That life was short. You never know when your time is up, so even when a situation is at its bleakest, you must soldier on in pursuit of happiness and make the most of it when you find it again. And he planned to do exactly that.


End file.
